mess

this moment is where drug is needed, I hardly control myself, the only thing I'm capable doing right now is mildly drugging myself and writing, this is the only ways how I can control myself now, Its Maghrib, and its a good time to fight and I'm shivering, teeth gritting and fingers clacking just to control my anger, too many danger's around me, too many things that made me hurt myself, I can easily hurt myself even with this strip of Panadol. What happen, I'm not usually like this, why? Is there anything I've been hiding ever since, that makes me out of my mind, rage is blobbing, I plop down 3 tablets of whatever pills, I can't remember, my legs are cold, and my nose is flushing liquids -
I'm chatting currently, maybe this is also part of anger-theraphy that I'm trying on, if I let myself loose not doing anything I can just do-me-bad in any time, yes Im concious at this moment of time, should I call him, or IM him just to say hi, urgh maybe this is a bad time, scared I'll barf out the impossibilities at him, this is a mess, I'm clueless....